Here doesn't feel like home.

I never cry. Yet here I am with tears running down my face, at a single memory, a split-second thought. I miss being there, with everyone. And more than everything, I've been struck by the simplicity with which one can completely change someone's life. Not just the patients; gaining insight into the lives of the other people on the team.. I really understand the concept of something you take for granted being the world to someone else. I am drowing in a sense of gratitude, not only for my material wealth, but the people in my life, my ideals, my mindset, the way I've learnt to deal in certain situations .. I feel so privelidged. And I'm finding it difficult to feel .. settled.. back here. it doesnt feel like home. It doesnt feel like it's meant to be. It doesnt feel like anyone here understands what I'm feeling, who I am now. I want to share my experiences, but I'm still trying to process it all. I'm kinda just.. sitting. Embracing the moments I have to contemplate. I'm home and yeah everyone is here, but all i want is to be back in Tana. All i want is to be back spending long days changing the lives of the most gentle grateful kind people I've ever met. I want to wake up to the breathtaking view of the most beautiful town I've seen. I want to be walking through that hospital, smiling at the parents, being a symbol of hope ,learning malagasy words, sharing stories with the locals... I dont know what to do with myself here; I don't know who to be. My heart feels like it's being pulled a million different ways.. but the only way it wants to go is the direction of Tana. I feel lost, but the kind of lost that is caused by knowing exactly where I'm meant to be. Nothing here seems to matter as much. -Not in a mean way. More like I need to find my place here again. I felt like, my heart was at home. They call it 'tamana' in malagasy, -when u feel comfortable, at home in a place.  everyone was my family, everyone was love.

Tana has captured my heart.

 

The student team is really lucky, bc we are one of the few who actually get to see the town. We spend time travelling to schools (where we do healthcare presentations) and get free time to go to markets (wow, such an experience! and bargaining.. hectic!) it's been GREAT! Chloe always laughs at me in the bus bc I keep going "wow, that's so beautiful!" -about almost everything. But honestly, I've never seen a town this beautiful. The buildings, wow. I wish I could photograph every single one of them. -That I wasn't rushing by in a bus every time I saw them. The colours, the way theyre deteriorating, the doorways... INCREDIBLE. I've never felt this way. I look around as we drive through the village, and my heart feels like it's bursting. I can't help smiling, I almost want to cry at the beauty. The people here are so kind, so friendly. And absolutely gorgeous! The music is so much fun! And what I love about the 'touristy things' here is that it's not just touristy here. The hats, the baskets -it's what the locals wear. We see them all around the hospital, and the colours brighten the area.

[We're SO sure this statue was in the amazingrace at some point!] 

 We have the most breathtaking view from our hotel room! (Please note that Hollywood-style Antananarivo sign.. I didn't until the second day) It's spans so wide, it takes like five landscape photographs to capture it all. And even then it's nowhere near as wonderful as the sight I am blessed with every day. At each time of the day it looks different, and each time seems more beautiful then the last. The hotel is in such a central place. We can literally walk to the hospital in five minutes, and to the biggest market I've ever seen. Ever. (Like, it spans down hundreds of stairs, down a street, up a steep hill and down the otherside.) Rightnow though, I'm going to allow myself to be distracted by even more CNN. -I'm kind of addicted now.- And to fall asleep, yet again, to French TV..

Please have a look at anton's blog. He's a superfun guy, creative director at Saatchi&Saatchi, and his blog is just wonderful! Been reading it all night :) ALSO, David and Nick have the miles for smiles website. up and running! They've been updating it with clips daily! Amazing footage! -Click on the YouTube link to watch them!

[The sunset as we walked back to the hospital today, after being at the Public University of Tana. *so beautiful* With a group of men doing their PhD's in Economic Development. -They're coming to UCT in November, doing research on disaster management! Mom and dad, you're gonna love them!]

Tomorrow we go into the countryside, where the people are apparently much more poor (difficult to imagine) and we will do healthcare presentations and play some games with the kids. The Italians brought a cool volleyball kit, yay! And then to the market again.. Aaaand dinner with the Peace Corps volunteers!

SUPER exciting

Post-op Contemplation.

I spent quite a bit of time today in Post-Op. It's the most beautiful thing to experience. Jo spoke to us a few days ago about how in the DRC it's mostly the mothers who bring their children to screening. Here, the people arrive in big families. -The dad's as interested and heartfelt as the mothers. Both parents stay, play, console. And today, after the first day of surgery, there was a huge bunch of people coming to visit the patients from yesterday. Three, four, five family members per patient! When we walked into the hospital this morning, there were crowds outside the hospital, queues outside the rooms, behind the doors..

People here seem to understand the need for order, and trust in the instructions from the team. Besides the occasional crying baby, things here seem to be calm. (I didn't realise how much the panic and distress affected me until I was in pre-op mixing antibiotics and I felt relieved by the quiet. It's exhausting, if only subsconciously, wanting to be a source of calm amongst the chaos during the long days we have.)

I've seen some of the most beautiful women here. They were bright colours, and interesting textures. They smile and almost exude friendliness.

Nadia and I have discussed how amazing it would be to follow families home, and see as they go back to their villages. It would be even more amazing to travel to the mission site with the family, and go through screening and the operation experience with them.. Maybe someday! -If I'm ever fluent in French..

This is Florence and her daughter, Valimbatavaka, who is three years old. Whenever I saw them during screening, she would smile at me. With grateful, friendly eyes, completely trusting of me. -That I would return with her bottle refilled, that I wouldn't keep my flash too close to her daughter's face, that we would do our best to help their family; as I was completely trusting of her. With my belongings, and my heart. She laughed as I attempted to compliment her in Malagasy. "Tsara enao" -You are beautiful. Our smiple conversations confirmed with my broken french, -the few phrasses I remember from highschool lessons.

I would have loved to have a translator to myself. To communicate.. not necessarily more easily, but more deeply. To understand their fears, their excitement, their background, their seemingly boundless love.

Some things you can't express in words, though. Some things only your eyes sing, only your heart shines. And those are the things I've been blessed enough to experience here. -A capacity for love I never knew possible. Love for their children, love shown towards me, the kindness in their being.

Feel it. It is here. (cheesy, but true)

how AMAZING is this ball? im obsessed. it's sparkly and bouncy and superfun! Aaand it's one of my cool toys for the mission. Ialso got these cute teacher stickers..

some of my other favourites are a cool blue skipping rope, Ben10 playing cards, colourful chalk and looong balloons (hope chloe knows how to make actual balloon animals, else we're gonna have hundreds of balloon snales crawlin round haha) oh and i got the cutest notepads from ali ali ali. they have cute lil phrases on them like

"relax and enjoy life. know that whatever you need to know is revealed to you in the perfect time and space"

"the work you are doing within yourself is not a goal, it's a process. -a lifetime process. enjoy the process"

"when good comes into our lives and we deny it by saying 'i dont believe it' we literally push our good away"

i mean, seriously, can u get cuter? -and so profound. thanks ali!!!!

this is one of my favourite photos from the recent DRC mission. (there are hundreds! shouldve posted more.. oh well, madagascar ones will come soon. TOMORROW! aaaah!) it's crazy! aaah im getting butterflies just thinking about it. i CANNOT believe it HERE. aaaah. those of you that know me will know that 'aah' is literally happening. im screaming. and smiling. and jumping up and down like crazy!! aaaaah i cant stop i cant stop. okay *breathe*

what else? im sorta packed. oh wait let me take a photo of my bag quick...

okay seriously. I LOVE TECHNOLOGY. how EPIC is it that i just took this photo, im staring at my bag on the floor infront of me, and now its.. aaah haha maybe im just being a lil dramatic, but we live in such a cool time, guys!

okay yes. that is a LV bag. DONT JUDGE. *i know Scarlett will when she sees me at the airport --and I will ALWAYS be the girl who came on a mission with her LV bag gooosssshhh* BUT you see, being clumsy me, i may or may not have broken the rolly thing of my first bag. and then the alternative just failed on me. so hello, lifesaving-and-coincidentally-stylish bag. the world must just accept you bc youre filled with everything i need. as we learnt at Mission Training in Virginia last year (can't believe it was a year ago.. feels like yesterday..) everything is in my carryon. (incase my checkin luggage doesnt arrive) yes indeed. it's a miracle, everything. the weight fluctuates from 7-9kgs (haha math lit) but either way, it's all good. yes even those extra four pairs of cargo shorts i DEFINITELY dont need but i figure if i gonna rock the cargo short look i might as well do it in a variety of colours and styles (omg i sound like sucha barbie.- im not, i swear) are in there. oh i still have my case though...

ive got a bunch of stuff thatd be nice to have but arent like NEEDS. extra coloured paper... jeans.. a skirt... coloured markers.. an aliceband (ya i literally found that rightnow, i think i wore it last in like.. ninth grade, but hey you never know, i could need it haha.) .. a couple of tanktops and a lightweight warmtop... yeah.. oh other toliteries...ziploc bags..and much space for stuff ill be buying :) YAY BUYING STUFF! that book. SO GREAT. Jack Reacher is amazing, i want to be him. But he's busy investigating some stuff that just... I dont need in my head while I'm on the journey haha.

(got a lil carried away with the photo taking..) this is my 'im wearing you tomorrow so i wont pack you' pile. with a yummyyummy almond and cranberry bar, all on my camprock blanket. which i may bring with, we'll see.

OHMYGOSH i havent told u guys where we're staying. have i? i dno? but wow. it's amazing! not just for a mission, in general, wow.

okay it's already tomorrow aka THE DAY. I have been stalking Lisa Adachi's missionblog and advice and aaah (so sad i didnt get to skype with you before i left...) I am bursting with anticipation! I just realised that, as much as I am like.. I dno, I've been waiting for this day for two years. I feel emotionally prepared, I mean ofcourse there'll be tears and I can't even begin to imagine what's gonna hit me.  But I feel ready. And I've realised, it's so much bigger than me. My family and friends have been so great about it all. I kinda... sometimes forget they're in this equation, too. I guess, I take it for granted how much they care. How much I mean to them. SO thank you, all of you. You really do mean the world to me, and I hope I make you feel that way. Please know you're always in my heart. Someone wise once said that "you've made such an impression on people that when they cross the borders of distant countries they take you with them" -And in a couple of hours you'll be in Tana :) I'm going on this trip and I will make you proud, grow in ways beyond expectation, and make a difference that will last a lifetime. Bc that's what I'm called to do. This is where my heart lies. I am completely certain. And completely EXCITED!

one week to go.

wow i haven't blogged here in ages. im mildly obsessed with my other blog, to the point where one day without reading or posting on it, feels like eternity. i guess it also felt like the mission was so far away.. and suddenly it's SEVEN DAYS AWAY. seven days. WOW. (haha i cant hear the phrase 'seven days' without thinking of scarymovie3 "can you hear me now? can you hear me now..? seven days.." yeah, i watched that movie waaay too many times. 

Anyway. Today. I went to buy shorts of appropriate length. Ended up buying some nice tshirts and gladiators as well, buuut let's not dwell on that point...I also spent this afternoon reviewing all the notes I took during mission training in Virginia and Cape Town... And brushing up on my education info.. I'm specifically focussing on Burn Care and ORT (Oral Rehydration Therapy).. Chloe is doing Nutrition and Dental Health.. I'm SUPER excited to be doing this mission with my cousin. But before I go on about her, let me announce.. *drumroll please* that Andries is no longer our sponsor. The date for his thesis to be handed in was pushed up by a month, so it was gonna be too hectic for him. Our new sponsor is.. NADIA!

(facebook profile picture stalking..)
She called me today and she seems really sweet. She's a lil nervous about getting everything right, but we came to the conclusion that we will make sure we are as ready as we can be, but live in the knowledge that it will only become real when we're there, and that we will be there for eachother completely. (She's sure she'll be spending much time crying) 

Right now, I'm waiting for my amaaazing friend, Lisa Adachi, to come online so we can have a Skypedate about my final preparations. Her incredible mission blog and experiences with her mission to Amman earlier this year have been such an inspiration to me. 

Wellll it's weekend, if you have some time, check out Fran's blog. She's currently blogging while on her mission in Fortaleza, Brazil. Really exciting stuff! Okay I have to go, Skype awaits!!

Happy weekend everyone :) As chessy as it sounds, (because im too excited about skype to find an inspirational qute) BE THE CHANGE you wish to see in the world, in everything you do this weekend. 

Love Always Xoxo