Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Here doesn't feel like home.

I never cry. Yet here I am with tears running down my face, at a single memory, a split-second thought. I miss being there, with everyone. And more than everything, I've been struck by the simplicity with which one can completely change someone's life. Not just the patients; gaining insight into the lives of the other people on the team.. I really understand the concept of something you take for granted being the world to someone else. I am drowing in a sense of gratitude, not only for my material wealth, but the people in my life, my ideals, my mindset, the way I've learnt to deal in certain situations .. I feel so privelidged. And I'm finding it difficult to feel .. settled.. back here. it doesnt feel like home. It doesnt feel like it's meant to be. It doesnt feel like anyone here understands what I'm feeling, who I am now. I want to share my experiences, but I'm still trying to process it all. I'm kinda just.. sitting. Embracing the moments I have to contemplate. I'm home and yeah everyone is here, but all i want is to be back in Tana. All i want is to be back spending long days changing the lives of the most gentle grateful kind people I've ever met. I want to wake up to the breathtaking view of the most beautiful town I've seen. I want to be walking through that hospital, smiling at the parents, being a symbol of hope ,learning malagasy words, sharing stories with the locals... I dont know what to do with myself here; I don't know who to be. My heart feels like it's being pulled a million different ways.. but the only way it wants to go is the direction of Tana. I feel lost, but the kind of lost that is caused by knowing exactly where I'm meant to be. Nothing here seems to matter as much. -Not in a mean way. More like I need to find my place here again. I felt like, my heart was at home. They call it 'tamana' in malagasy, -when u feel comfortable, at home in a place.  everyone was my family, everyone was love.

1 comment:

  1. I once went to work in an outreach program in Barcelona out in a township. Two weeks, I immersed myself in work with my church & another church from another country. We all became so close, like family. The routine of going out to kids in townships & making them smile, it was some of the two greatest weeks of my life. When it ended, I felt empty going back to my life. Nothing felt right. Nothing mattered. But I got through it & so will you. The emptiness you feel where you are now, it will pass. You learnt lessons, you have memories, now the hard part was never leaving Tana, it was coming back & taking a piece of Tana with you here. Fill the emptiness you feel with the lessons you learnt & the memories you created.