Here doesn't feel like home.

I never cry. Yet here I am with tears running down my face, at a single memory, a split-second thought. I miss being there, with everyone. And more than everything, I've been struck by the simplicity with which one can completely change someone's life. Not just the patients; gaining insight into the lives of the other people on the team.. I really understand the concept of something you take for granted being the world to someone else. I am drowing in a sense of gratitude, not only for my material wealth, but the people in my life, my ideals, my mindset, the way I've learnt to deal in certain situations .. I feel so privelidged. And I'm finding it difficult to feel .. settled.. back here. it doesnt feel like home. It doesnt feel like it's meant to be. It doesnt feel like anyone here understands what I'm feeling, who I am now. I want to share my experiences, but I'm still trying to process it all. I'm kinda just.. sitting. Embracing the moments I have to contemplate. I'm home and yeah everyone is here, but all i want is to be back in Tana. All i want is to be back spending long days changing the lives of the most gentle grateful kind people I've ever met. I want to wake up to the breathtaking view of the most beautiful town I've seen. I want to be walking through that hospital, smiling at the parents, being a symbol of hope ,learning malagasy words, sharing stories with the locals... I dont know what to do with myself here; I don't know who to be. My heart feels like it's being pulled a million different ways.. but the only way it wants to go is the direction of Tana. I feel lost, but the kind of lost that is caused by knowing exactly where I'm meant to be. Nothing here seems to matter as much. -Not in a mean way. More like I need to find my place here again. I felt like, my heart was at home. They call it 'tamana' in malagasy, -when u feel comfortable, at home in a place.  everyone was my family, everyone was love.

Post-op Contemplation.

I spent quite a bit of time today in Post-Op. It's the most beautiful thing to experience. Jo spoke to us a few days ago about how in the DRC it's mostly the mothers who bring their children to screening. Here, the people arrive in big families. -The dad's as interested and heartfelt as the mothers. Both parents stay, play, console. And today, after the first day of surgery, there was a huge bunch of people coming to visit the patients from yesterday. Three, four, five family members per patient! When we walked into the hospital this morning, there were crowds outside the hospital, queues outside the rooms, behind the doors..

People here seem to understand the need for order, and trust in the instructions from the team. Besides the occasional crying baby, things here seem to be calm. (I didn't realise how much the panic and distress affected me until I was in pre-op mixing antibiotics and I felt relieved by the quiet. It's exhausting, if only subsconciously, wanting to be a source of calm amongst the chaos during the long days we have.)

I've seen some of the most beautiful women here. They were bright colours, and interesting textures. They smile and almost exude friendliness.

Nadia and I have discussed how amazing it would be to follow families home, and see as they go back to their villages. It would be even more amazing to travel to the mission site with the family, and go through screening and the operation experience with them.. Maybe someday! -If I'm ever fluent in French..

This is Florence and her daughter, Valimbatavaka, who is three years old. Whenever I saw them during screening, she would smile at me. With grateful, friendly eyes, completely trusting of me. -That I would return with her bottle refilled, that I wouldn't keep my flash too close to her daughter's face, that we would do our best to help their family; as I was completely trusting of her. With my belongings, and my heart. She laughed as I attempted to compliment her in Malagasy. "Tsara enao" -You are beautiful. Our smiple conversations confirmed with my broken french, -the few phrasses I remember from highschool lessons.

I would have loved to have a translator to myself. To communicate.. not necessarily more easily, but more deeply. To understand their fears, their excitement, their background, their seemingly boundless love.

Some things you can't express in words, though. Some things only your eyes sing, only your heart shines. And those are the things I've been blessed enough to experience here. -A capacity for love I never knew possible. Love for their children, love shown towards me, the kindness in their being.

Who even IS this kid.

okay seriously this kid is the CUTEST! all the girls are inlove with him, really. and we have no idea what his name is.-he's so mischievious, he's been telling everyone a different name, a different story... haha and he's super naughty! he stole water and broke toys and wouldn't share his soccerball... but then he just comes and hugs you or kisses you or cuddles you, latches on and wont let go, and suddenly everything is forgiven. and ohmygosh he's obsessed with cameras. -taking photos, looking at photos, being in photos... ah he's GREAT* he''s not getting surgery though, i guess he just saw there's a vibe at the hospital he'd like to be a part of... haha. but really.

yes. he is the BIGGEST BOWSSE.

Stories in their eyes.

Firstly, yes chloe and i are both on my hotel bed. both with laptops at 'critical power levels'. one powerpack. much to do on the internet. THIS is life. haha we're really living on the edge, it's hilarious.

Anyway, since it's crazy busy and I'll never be able to say everything I want and feel without being a complete zombie in the morning, I thought I'd share some photos with you from screening.. Screening is the first two days when hundreds of patients (we saw over 400) come to the hospital and get evaluated.. We establish which and how many patients we will be able to operate on this mission. (There's a whole priority system, I'll explain later) We spent most of our time playing outside with kids, going sticker and bubble crazy. And we've really kinda taken on the role of... childlife therapy assistants. Jo (the childlife therapist) is AMAZING! Honestly brilliant. Been learning so much from her. From proper telephone manner to what lifelessons i should learn from an evening with the ambassador..

(The crowd on surgery announcement day. The most hearbreaking of them all. When we announce those who will be getting surgery this week -FLIP their faces when they hear their names, the parents' excitement sparkles in their eyes!! a light shines through like none ive seen before- and which people can't get surgery this year, but will definitely be first next mission.. Jo and Carin (psychologist) have counselling sessions with them after the announcement to console them and answer any questions. It's slightly easier here in Madagascar bc people know us here, and they know we actually will come back. And they know beforehand that it's not confirmed that they'll get surgery. It's still difficult though. It still makes your heart ache when this little girl's mom was pleading in a language I couldn't understand, for her daughter to be operated on. Bc many people who had been scheduled hadn't arrived today, she said. Bc she travelled from another town days before and had no where to stay. Bc she only had this one lil bag (the size of an A4 page, maximum 2inches deep..) of their belongings.. And bc it breaks her heart for her child to live like this.. She began to cry and all I could do was hug her. All I could do was smile at her daughter, make her feel like everything would be okay.. Like the delicious lolipop that her mom told us "she can only lick" is all that matters rightnow, that someday things would change.

Tamlin handled it wonderfully. She organised with Lilena (YouthForChrist and translator co-ordinator) for them to stay at the patient accomodation we arrange, and for her daughter to get an obturator.. to atleast provide temporary relief. She always says how important it is to make every person feel heard, and cared for.

So many of these kids arrive, like this little girl in her most wonderful princess dress, with her filthy tattered clothes underneath.. It's both heartbreaking and heartwarming. The life of poverty from which they come is devastating. Yet the fact that her mom put on her best dress for this gives us insight into how much this surgery, the possibility we present for them, really means to them.

Fastforward to Today.

it's 20h45 and it feels like midnight. we just played the name game. -latenight sheet edition. so much fun! we were all kinda hoping itd be cancelled bc we stayed so late at the ambassadors cocktail party! (SUCH a cool house. amazing food. random music.. including "red red wiiine" haha even without kfm, that song found it's way through.. had a great time*)



sorry i've been terrible with blogging, i have so much to say though, the days are full and long. and whenever i have a free moment, there isn't a laptop available.. *sigh*

tomorrow surgery begins. it's SUPER EXCITING! I'l get the correct numbers from Tamlin in the morning, but it's something like 900 surgeries that we would have done in total in Madagascar since we first began doing missions in 2007. Ruben and the dental team are breaking records (literally i think..) with the amount of obturators they're making. (Obturators are plates that fill the gap in the palate, it means lives can be changed even if they don't get surgery this year..amazing!)

In one of Tamlin's brilliant speeches tonight (flip she blows my mind with her passion) she said told us of a boy who, when asked what he was most excited about for after the surgery, answered "to be a man. because now i can blow on a fire"

moments like that.. for a little boy to be aware of the fact that if he didn't get surgery he couldn't make a fire to cook food and provide for his family.. a thing that never even crossed my mind.. i really don't think we'll ever grasp the difference opsmile truly makes in their lives.

The First Supper.

JThe bus ride was good. I sat with a Canadian named Jackie. she's cute and blonde and supersweet! and there's this hilarius american named jane. i havent seen her much since though..

on the way we saw this gigantic sparkly building. no idea what it is.. looked like those buildings in vegas! SO cool. and when talking about the things jackie should see during her extra days in SA after the mission, someone was sayin there's a park where you can see lions and rhino.. and jane interjects "--and bears..?" but for real. #greatestmoment. no jane, not bears...

other observations on the journey to the hotel: it almost always smells like incense or burning. jackie said seeing the vibe outside at night reminded her of india (where her last mission was). brooke (PIT trainer, from the usa) disagrees.. "it's clean and quiet, NO!" there are no streetlights, but people are walking around and chilling all over. and ohmygosh you just see piles of what looks like those white woven plastic bags (the big ones, for like sand? do you know what im talking about?) but actually it's hundreds of people sleeping alongside the road..

This is the first thing you see when you enter The Carlton (and by enter i mean, when the french doorman opens the door for you and carries all your luggage..) WOW. And all over there are the most incredible chandeliers! It's an AMAZING hotel. WOW. and everyone is just so welcoming and friendly and willing to go out of their way to help us. We went straigth up to a dinner that the Lions Club and The Carlton had thrown for us. So wonderful! Firstly bc the dinner was just... the most delicious food in the world. And a buffett. But mostly bc the prevalent feeling in the room (the rooftop room to be specific..) was gratitude. There were the most heartwarming speeches. About how our previous missions have gone.. In four missions we've changed the lives of 730 patients! And about how thankful they are to have us in the country to help the children of Madagascar. It's just... wow. Blown away by these wonderful people.

Inside joke: Christof went to the dessert buffett..

"What's this?"

Malagasy cake."

"And this?"

"Malagasy cake"

"And this?"

"Malagasy cake."

*all completely different types of dessert*

haha it's a bit of a running joke now... which maybe isn't as funny to all of you.. *awkward*

The night was filled with a sense of family, and great anticipation.. and a feeling of community, of working together for the common good.

two sleeps two sleeps!

it's two sleeps today. AAAH. and im FREAKINGOUT. i have lastminute shopping to do, and posters to complete so i can have them laminated, friends to see before i leave (i wont see most of them for a month from saturday. sigh) and SAT registration to complete. and and and . i think me stressing in my head is making it worse. i just went to the dentist, he was mean. the dentists on the mission will be supernice :) im really really excited to meet everyone. it's a lovely sunny day outside, im going to go listen to chilled music and enjoy it :) -while finishing my posters. ORT therapy here i come!! and hey, don't forget, if you have burns -do not put ice or butter on them! OH i also learnt that in Madagascar it is illegal to buy tortoises and lemurs and orchids. but i can buy upto 2kgs of vanilla. #interestingfacts

okay now im just stalking vanilla. (i LOVE google) and craving vanilla icecream.. mmm. stop procrastinating, andrea. STOP.