There really is light.

I've been... a mess. For a long time. Longer than I'm brave enough to admit. Longer than I let myself realise. And yesterday, I experienced what I can only call divine revelation. -A sense of relief, of release, and for the first time in what feels like forever: hope.

And maybe you don't need to know this; maybe it won't change your life knowing that I've been living in darkness deeper than I could bare to risk escaping; maybe it's not going to affect your day knowing that I finally feel like I can breathe again. But today I realised that doesn't matter. And though I am so desperate for my every action and interaction to be significant, to change the world or a life; I realised that I can love you, and want to make you proud, without losing myself in an attempt to be perfect for you.

I write. That's what I do, always have. Not because I think I have a particular talent or because I feel I have something profound to say. I write to survive. Perhaps self-indulgent, perhaps wise; but liberating all the same. I haven't been sure of anything recently, but today I am sure that this is the only way I'll cope. Whether I wake up in tears or raring to face the day, I will learn something new, discuss something controversial, meet someone fascinating, consider a philospher's ideas... And I will tell their story.

So I've chosen to write. For my sanity. And in the hope that my words would inspire you to consider the validity of a different point of view, the reality in another person's world, or to confront the truth -even the brutality- of your own.

Also, you should read this. It kinda scares me that I talk to her every day and yet I had no idea we've been thinking the same thing. But mostly, I think she says it better than I ever could. And you really need to hear it.

Perspective.

We are more privileged than we allow ourselves to acknowledge. 

 So much of our lives are wasted on things that don't matter.

Think of the things that cause you stress.

I think of my world, and it's like "seriously, andrea?"

It's so easy to get lost in the unimportant.

I'd much rather live for the broken

Live with a purpose

To make a difference and change lives

I like to keep perspective.

This is the world we live in.

And how much of the damage are you contributing to?

In denial about that? Fine.

But how much are you doing to help?

Just sayin..

Beautiful Chanel.

This is Chanel.

Ohmygoodness she's just so dang cute!

And this is her after her operation...

I cant say enough how adorable she is.

She's five years old now, and insanely active! She just runs and jumps and spins, and has an appetite like no one else I've seen! The first time we met, we drove to where she was standing, and before our mothers had even established whether we were the right people, before I could even get out of the car to say hi.. She had run upto the car, jumped into the back, and was hugging me! And spent the rest of the drive playing with my bracelets, tickling me, showing me her injuries and supergirly clothes *silver pumps with hearts all over them..a frilly candycane-striped top.. ah, girls clothes are the best*... Then we raced around the waterfront and played crazy games.. And ended the night with city lights and colourful dessert.

Today's event, a fashion show at Zevenwacht, was wonderful!

The venue was beautiful, great music, incredible clothes, Top Billing presenters (and what is an event without them.. haha) And (wait for it...) over R81 000 was raised!!

 R81 000!!! *whaaaat* Yes, that's atleast 16 surgeries.

16 lives changed forever. 16 people who wont have to hide their faces from the world. 16 people who can smile and laugh with everyone else, and not be ashamed. Oh, above is Braam Malherbe, who did a cool 'nothing is impossible, dream big, i ran the Great Wall of China with David Grier, BOOM' talk and played a video of it.. It was the first time I watched a mission clip after being home. Yeah, I cried more than I've cried during a mission video before. It's so much more real, so much more... I know these kids! I spent a week with his mom! I felt their pain and their joy. Every smile feels so much more magical, every moment bringing back my own experiences.

Flip, when that first dress got sold for R20 000, (the lovely dress that Chanel got to model, that the buyer donated back to her!!!) the tears just started flowing.. I just.. I'm constantly blown away by the generous hearts I've come into contact with. And wow, having been on a mission, seeing the effect of the surgery on peoples' lives, and knowing how deserving each and every one of the patients are (and how deserving Chanel and her mom are of this wonderful weekend away, and their moment in the spotlight) --it just makes it so much more emotional for me. I heard R20 000 and all I could see was those four children's faces lighting up, the moment their parents realize things will be different now, ahh it's like my heart bursts with anticipation! I wonder if the buyers will ever understand the difference they're making..

The food was sooo good :) And so beautiful* I'll go through my pictures and get actual nice ones of the event, but for now, how cool is this headdress?! And gosh this lady is soo beautiful! (Thankyou Muse Model Management *sponsor shoutout haha*)

Anyway, this was a wonderful weekend, filled with many "I'm so so blessed to have Operation Smile in my life. To have met such incredible people. To be inspired by their big dreams. And to have shared these life-changing experiences with them." moments.

To you I say, keep dreaming.

They definitely come true.

Here doesn't feel like home.

I never cry. Yet here I am with tears running down my face, at a single memory, a split-second thought. I miss being there, with everyone. And more than everything, I've been struck by the simplicity with which one can completely change someone's life. Not just the patients; gaining insight into the lives of the other people on the team.. I really understand the concept of something you take for granted being the world to someone else. I am drowing in a sense of gratitude, not only for my material wealth, but the people in my life, my ideals, my mindset, the way I've learnt to deal in certain situations .. I feel so privelidged. And I'm finding it difficult to feel .. settled.. back here. it doesnt feel like home. It doesnt feel like it's meant to be. It doesnt feel like anyone here understands what I'm feeling, who I am now. I want to share my experiences, but I'm still trying to process it all. I'm kinda just.. sitting. Embracing the moments I have to contemplate. I'm home and yeah everyone is here, but all i want is to be back in Tana. All i want is to be back spending long days changing the lives of the most gentle grateful kind people I've ever met. I want to wake up to the breathtaking view of the most beautiful town I've seen. I want to be walking through that hospital, smiling at the parents, being a symbol of hope ,learning malagasy words, sharing stories with the locals... I dont know what to do with myself here; I don't know who to be. My heart feels like it's being pulled a million different ways.. but the only way it wants to go is the direction of Tana. I feel lost, but the kind of lost that is caused by knowing exactly where I'm meant to be. Nothing here seems to matter as much. -Not in a mean way. More like I need to find my place here again. I felt like, my heart was at home. They call it 'tamana' in malagasy, -when u feel comfortable, at home in a place.  everyone was my family, everyone was love.

Tana has captured my heart.

 

The student team is really lucky, bc we are one of the few who actually get to see the town. We spend time travelling to schools (where we do healthcare presentations) and get free time to go to markets (wow, such an experience! and bargaining.. hectic!) it's been GREAT! Chloe always laughs at me in the bus bc I keep going "wow, that's so beautiful!" -about almost everything. But honestly, I've never seen a town this beautiful. The buildings, wow. I wish I could photograph every single one of them. -That I wasn't rushing by in a bus every time I saw them. The colours, the way theyre deteriorating, the doorways... INCREDIBLE. I've never felt this way. I look around as we drive through the village, and my heart feels like it's bursting. I can't help smiling, I almost want to cry at the beauty. The people here are so kind, so friendly. And absolutely gorgeous! The music is so much fun! And what I love about the 'touristy things' here is that it's not just touristy here. The hats, the baskets -it's what the locals wear. We see them all around the hospital, and the colours brighten the area.

[We're SO sure this statue was in the amazingrace at some point!] 

 We have the most breathtaking view from our hotel room! (Please note that Hollywood-style Antananarivo sign.. I didn't until the second day) It's spans so wide, it takes like five landscape photographs to capture it all. And even then it's nowhere near as wonderful as the sight I am blessed with every day. At each time of the day it looks different, and each time seems more beautiful then the last. The hotel is in such a central place. We can literally walk to the hospital in five minutes, and to the biggest market I've ever seen. Ever. (Like, it spans down hundreds of stairs, down a street, up a steep hill and down the otherside.) Rightnow though, I'm going to allow myself to be distracted by even more CNN. -I'm kind of addicted now.- And to fall asleep, yet again, to French TV..

Please have a look at anton's blog. He's a superfun guy, creative director at Saatchi&Saatchi, and his blog is just wonderful! Been reading it all night :) ALSO, David and Nick have the miles for smiles website. up and running! They've been updating it with clips daily! Amazing footage! -Click on the YouTube link to watch them!

[The sunset as we walked back to the hospital today, after being at the Public University of Tana. *so beautiful* With a group of men doing their PhD's in Economic Development. -They're coming to UCT in November, doing research on disaster management! Mom and dad, you're gonna love them!]

Tomorrow we go into the countryside, where the people are apparently much more poor (difficult to imagine) and we will do healthcare presentations and play some games with the kids. The Italians brought a cool volleyball kit, yay! And then to the market again.. Aaaand dinner with the Peace Corps volunteers!

SUPER exciting

Post-op Contemplation.

I spent quite a bit of time today in Post-Op. It's the most beautiful thing to experience. Jo spoke to us a few days ago about how in the DRC it's mostly the mothers who bring their children to screening. Here, the people arrive in big families. -The dad's as interested and heartfelt as the mothers. Both parents stay, play, console. And today, after the first day of surgery, there was a huge bunch of people coming to visit the patients from yesterday. Three, four, five family members per patient! When we walked into the hospital this morning, there were crowds outside the hospital, queues outside the rooms, behind the doors..

People here seem to understand the need for order, and trust in the instructions from the team. Besides the occasional crying baby, things here seem to be calm. (I didn't realise how much the panic and distress affected me until I was in pre-op mixing antibiotics and I felt relieved by the quiet. It's exhausting, if only subsconciously, wanting to be a source of calm amongst the chaos during the long days we have.)

I've seen some of the most beautiful women here. They were bright colours, and interesting textures. They smile and almost exude friendliness.

Nadia and I have discussed how amazing it would be to follow families home, and see as they go back to their villages. It would be even more amazing to travel to the mission site with the family, and go through screening and the operation experience with them.. Maybe someday! -If I'm ever fluent in French..

This is Florence and her daughter, Valimbatavaka, who is three years old. Whenever I saw them during screening, she would smile at me. With grateful, friendly eyes, completely trusting of me. -That I would return with her bottle refilled, that I wouldn't keep my flash too close to her daughter's face, that we would do our best to help their family; as I was completely trusting of her. With my belongings, and my heart. She laughed as I attempted to compliment her in Malagasy. "Tsara enao" -You are beautiful. Our smiple conversations confirmed with my broken french, -the few phrasses I remember from highschool lessons.

I would have loved to have a translator to myself. To communicate.. not necessarily more easily, but more deeply. To understand their fears, their excitement, their background, their seemingly boundless love.

Some things you can't express in words, though. Some things only your eyes sing, only your heart shines. And those are the things I've been blessed enough to experience here. -A capacity for love I never knew possible. Love for their children, love shown towards me, the kindness in their being.

Rwanda Video. Watch it.

this is the video from the Rwanda mission this year. watch it. it's fiveminutes that will change your life. make you cry. warm your heart. restore your hope in humanity. and it's set to coldplay's 'fix you' .. you can't go wrong with that! but really. it's an incredible compilation.